The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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