what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
