My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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