I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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