I wish I could teleport
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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