Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
