I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just sent this text using only my big toe
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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