she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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