my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she smelled like a LAN party
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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