I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
