it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
