the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
