I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
