I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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