saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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