I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
