I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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