i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i love accidental penises.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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