Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
