she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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