I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
