I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
