a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
