when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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