May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
