is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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