guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Who died my cat blue again?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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