your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
God, I missed his penis.
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