How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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