So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
