a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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