You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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