you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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