Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
