I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
