u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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