I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
