He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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