I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
