hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
