ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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