I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
