i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
