What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
