i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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