I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
