When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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