You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
