I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
