It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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